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  • Bobby DeForest Shields


Updated: Mar 21, 2021

“Welcome to Sox News @11, with anchor Tommy Argyle reporting.

“Good evening fellow clothing. Here are tonight’s stories; Local male gets arrested at a downtown nightclub for attempted kidnapping—eyewitnesses say they saw him put socks down his pants—but first our top story; HAVE THEY FINALLY ARRIVED? I am of course referring to UFO’s—that is, Unidentified Flying Objects. Reporting live from the basket is a member of our own SOX NEWS crew, reporter Andorra Lochs. Good evening Andorra. Tell me, if this is real, could this truly be the answer to all those socks that have vanished over the past 50 or 60 years?”

“Good evening Tommy. In a word, yes. It certainly would explain a lot. I have been investigating this but I am not so sure if I want to open that Pandora’s Box. It’s been quite frightening from what I have learned so far. I have here with me Mr. Barney Hill. You may remember he and his wife Betty were reported missing 3 weeks ago. The trusted Dr. Seymour Barefoot, whom I have personally known since I was knee high, has examined him and while he can neither confirm nor deny Mr. Hill’s story, he does say Mr. Hill definitely experienced something unusual. Mr. Hill, in your own words can you describe to us what happened to you?”

“Certainly Ms. Lochs, it was the end of the day, my wife and I had just come back from playing polo, we’re a very athletic couple, and we were relaxing in the basket for a moment when both of us fell into a deep sleep. Next thing I knew we were being abducted—lifted straight up in the air and then put into this cold, wet, metallic cylinder type craft of some sort. I looked around and saw dozens of other fellow clothing—I guess they are not discriminate. Anyhow, they experimented on all of us, well; more like tortured us by trying to drown us and then seeing how we would react by spinning us around and around really, really fast like a merry-go-round on steroids. It was a nightmare! If that wasn’t enough, next they transported us to a different ship to torture us some more only this time they spun us slower and upside down, head-over-heels. AND they turned up the heat so high we couldn’t breathe and eventually passed out. When I woke up our fellow clothes were gone… vanished, including my wife Betty. The only trace of them was… was, lint in a trap of sorts. The only ones left alive were me and some other single socks still desperately clinging to the sides. All of our mates were—.”

“Did you recognize anyone?”

“No, no one, but I remember one of their names; Charles something, Charles Durning or Darning maybe? Oh and another Charles too, or Chuck. Yeah, a Chuck Woolery I think, only he didn’t fare so well. He looked wore out and holy and had a frozen look on his face like a sock puppet at the bottom of Damien’s toy chest. Anyhow, like I was saying, I realized of those of us left, our mates were all missing. What happened to them I don’t know.”

“So how did you escape Mr. Hill?”

“Funny thing is I don’t even know. I simply woke up right here in the basket again.”

“Well there you have it Tommy, a true mystery—back to you."

“Thank you Andorra. That is quite a tale! Of course the local police aren’t necessarily buying Mr. Hill’s fantastical UFO sock story; they want to question him closer in connection with his wife Betty’s mysterious disappearance. More to come as this story develops. And when we come back from the commercial: BOTOX – GOOD FOR YOUR LOOKS BUT BAD FOR YOUR SOLE? – And from our sports desk: ARE THE WHITE SOX INVOLVED IN ANOTHER BLACK SOX SCANDAL? And speaking of scandals, we’ll also hear from our fashion correspondent: FASHION FAUX PAS; THE SOCKS AND SANDAL SCANDAL. More when we return.

Deforest Shields

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